The Coach is KILLING Me!

President Shuler? /bangs head against desk

So, the Washington Post last week published an article about what the the future of DC may look like (it sounds better if you do that last part with a spooky voice). They didn't take a positive, Utopian view -- they took a horrific, post apocalyptic view. One where the president is:

Heath Shuler!

Yes, Heath! Shuler! President! Of the frickin' US of A! As you may know, I tried to keep him out of Congress, but I didn't know my failure could have such catastrophic repercussions.

> Washington's Future, a History (Washington Post)
> Heath Shuler for President? (Herd on the Trail)

Draft Review - Redskins Insider

Remember that queasy feeling in my stomach? Jason La Canfora has it too...

Link: Draft Review - Redskins Insider.

A new era, for sure

The draft was a little different for the Redskins this year. First off, they actually had draft picks, which is kinda unusual. Then, when they were unable to trade any of the picks for Chad Johnson, they spent the first day picking receivers (um, guys, you do know you can draft linemen, right?). To top it all off, they drafted QB Colt Brennan in the 6th round.

The interesting thing about Brennan (to me) is not how he dropped so far after getting destroyed by Georgia in the Sugar Bowl, but the oblique references to "off-the-field issues." No one actually mentions them, so I will excerpt his Wikipedia page here:

On January 28, 2004, Brennan was accused of entering the dorm room of a University of Colorado woman uninvited and, according to a male friend who entered the room while Colt was present, "exposed himself and fondled the woman'," a charge which Brennan denied. (It has been suggested that Colt was invited to the room by the female student, who reacted when her male friend entered the room.) Brennan, who was intoxicated at the time of the incident, was arrested and eventually convicted of charges of felony burglary and trespassing (serving one week in jail along with probation until he graduated from college), but a guilty verdict for unlawful sexual contact was vacated by the court for lack of evidence. After the incident, which was caught up in the middle of the time when CU was flooded with other accusations of sex crimes and revelations of wild recruiting parties involving Colorado football players, Brennan was kicked off the team.

One could go two directions with this. One way would be to remark that he has only had one off-the-field issue, and has been a stand up citizen while at Hawaii -- and besides, the details of that incident weren't exactly cut and dry.

The other way to go is to think "eeeew." It reminds me of what the Washington Post's Jason La Canfora said when the Redskins signed oft-troubled WR/KR Jerome Mathis: "Ain't no way Mathis gets in the building on [Gibbs'] watch, not even for a workout. Not even to deliver the mail."

A new era indeed. One that I hope will turn out well, but I just can't seem to shake the nervous feeling in my stomach. 

Apperently, there ARE Cinderellas

I don't really understand the new Nike/Jordan ad where they say "There are no Cinderellas" as the clock strikes midnight and Georgetown practices. They then show clips of teams beating Georgetown, like Villanova and UNC. I guess the point is that everybody works hard? Or that Georgetown is going to be damn sure that there are no more Cinderellas by wearing Jordan gear?

Nonetheless, even though I had Georgetown winning a couple more games, I thoroughly enjoyed watching them lose. It has to do with the inordinate amount of attention they continued to get in the mid-90s when GW was actually better (living off the Ewing days), the fact that people often get confused and call "George Washington" "Georgetown," and  because everyone who went there thinks that the only people who go to GW are the ones who couldn't get into Georgetown (hey, I didn't even apply). The fact that both my college roommates married Georgetown girls has not caused me to lighten up at all. So, in lieu of writing anything particularly new to celebrate the loss, I bring you something I wrote in 1999, where I compare Georgetown to the most evil people in the history of the Earth. Classy, huh?

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An Unholy Journey
February 3, 1999

Last night, I did something I thought I would never do. An unspeakable act so sick and wrong that I always prided myself of not being capable of it.

I went to a Georgetown basketball game.

Now, this might not seem like a big deal to you, especially if you don't know me well (count yourself among the lucky ones if that is so). But I have, shall we say, a strong dislike for Georgetown University in general, and their basketball team in specific. I'll save the space and not delve into the many reasons right now, but suffice to say that I am absolutely sick of the hype that the program has been riding since Patrick Ewing's days 15 years ago, even though they haven't had a decent season in several years and they recruited that thug Allen Iverson, and couldn't even win a championship with Mourning AND Mutumbo, and refuse to play local teams but instead fill their schedule with Division III teams, and I popped open the champagne when John Thompson resigned (when friends from out of town ask me if I know why he left, I have been spreading the "alcohol problem" rumor that I just made up) and .....

Whoops! Sorry, I started to delve anyway.

So how did I end up at the MCI Center last night to watch these minions of evil? I assure you that I went with the noblest of reasons -- free beer.

Guinness was holding a free beer tasting at Velocity Grill, the bar attached to the MCI Center, and due to my connections in the liquor and entertainment industries, I was afforded an invite. I didn't even know that Georgetown had a game that night until I got there. After a few minutes of being assaulted by ticket scalpers wearing their Georgetown best (selling at extremely discounted prices, I may add), I realized what must have been happening. I put my head down, avoided eye contact, and went into the bar blocking out all the bad energy.

The tasting was more of a promotional event for Guinness's world-record toast coming up at the end of the month, but I missed the boring stuff, and bellied up to the bar for all the Guinness, Bass, Harp and McCafferey's I could put down. Later in the evening, Josh, a friend of mine who owns several bars (and one of the reasons I was there), asked the fateful question:

"So, do want to go to the game? They gave us free tickets."

"Who are they playing?" I asked.

"Pittsburgh."

Okay, I can root for Pittsburgh, I thought. But was it worth it? I wouldn't be paying for the tickets, so none of my money would be going to into Georgetown's coffers. Still, I would be at a Georgetown game. What if some one saw me?

"Oh, also, I can get you into the Anheuser-Bush box suite." Josh added.

"Let's go!" I said.

With that, I entered the forbidden world of the luxury box. Finally, I would experience the driving force behind new stadiums and arenas these days, even if it was a Georgetown game.

We went into the arena, surrounded by all the people in full Georgetown regalia, and walked around the concourse towards the "Bud Box," as we started calling it. As I looked around, I could see the court with "Georgetown" on it, could hear them announcing upcoming games, and nearly ran over a guy selling big foam Georgetown fingers. I felt like the scene in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade where Indy and his dad are in Berlin during a Nazi rally. I leaned over to Josh, and said with my best Sean Connery voice (which isn't that great of a Sean Connery voice):

"We are pilgrims in an unholy land."

We eventually got to Suite 119, the aforementioned Bud Box, and were greeted by a security guard (you don't want the common masses filtering in, do you?), and let in. We entered what looked like a hotel suite that had a basketball game going on outside the window. This is much better view than most of the hotels I stay at, which always seem to have the New Jersey Turnpike outside the window, even when I'm in another state. Josh introduced me to the "Bud Boy," as we started calling him.

"You look familiar to me," he said. For a brief moment, I thought he was hitting on me.

"That's just because he's consumed so much of your products," Josh shot back, breaking the sexual tension.

"Well, if you would like some more product, we have a full refrigerator," Bud Boy told me.

So, for the next couple of hours, we drank free beer, talked about the Bud commercials during the Super Bowl, and discussed important restaurant business. Well, I assumed that important business was discussed, isn't that what these boxes are for? I was actually talking to these girls who went to Pitt (oh, I'm sorry, it's Pittsburgh now), one of whom was born in the same hospital I was (Nesbitt Memorial, Kingston, PA). A minor point, I know, but after enough of the free "product," it was very important to me, almost like I was meeting my long lost sister. Everyone was very nice, and I met a couple of other bar owners and more people from Bud. I figure these are the type of relationships I should be cultivating -- my friends can't get me anything cool like free beer. Most of them could only sue me or sign me up for an exciting new long-distance calling plan.

So, in the end, my visit to the dark side of the Force wasn't really that bad. Maybe if I join with Georgetown, together we can rule the galaxy as father and son. Perhaps I should give into my hate.

Or maybe that's just the luxury box talking.

My three year old joke now funnier

In 2005, I pranked some Packers fans in my office by putting up a fake article that Brett Favre had retired, mocked up to look like an ESPN page. It started out serious, but by the end, it became obvious it was a joke. Of course, the guy just looked at the first paragraph and started calling back home to Wisconsin and to the other Packers fans in the office (one girl actually broke down in tears). Anyway, here is what the page looked like, and here is the text below. Note my obsession with bad Redskins quarterbacks making an appearance...

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Favre to Retire

GREEN BAY, Wisc. -- Quarterback Brett Favre, a enduring part of the Packers franchise since 1992, will retire immediately, sources told ESPN. Favre, 35, played 13 seasons for the Packers, helping them go to two Super Bowls, winning one.

Just days before the start of the July minicamp, sources in the Favre camp say that Favre had an “situation” that “he has to deal with.”

Speculation on that “situation” leads towards the emotional wear and tear Favre has been under the previous 18 months, when he lost his father to a heart attack, his brother-in-law to an ATV accident and friend Reggie White to a respiratory ailment. His wife, Deanna, underwent treatment for breast cancer.

The retirement leaves the Packers scrambling for a quarterback to lead them this season. First-round pick, Aaron Rodgers, is considered a long-term project, and Packers officials feel he will not be ready to start this year.

The primary option appears to be Jeff George, who last played for the Chicago Bears. The first overall pick in the 1990 draft, George has played previously for Indianapolis (1990-93), Atlanta (1994-96), Oakland (1997-98), Minnesota (1999) and Washington (2000-2001). In 131 appearances (124 starts), he was 2,298 of 3,967 for 27,602 yards, with 154 touchdown passes, 113 interceptions, and a passer rating of 80.4.

Reached by the Green Bay Press-Gazette on Tuesday, George confirmed that he had been talking to the Packers.

"I am looking forward to picking up where Favre left off." he was quoted as saying. “I think that, while Brett is a great player, there are some ways that I can improve on his performance.”

If George does not work out, the Packers are reportedly also looking at Akili Smith, Ryan Leaf, and Randall Cunningham.

The St. Paul (Minnesota) Pioneer Press speculated that Favre could join the Minnesota Vikings as coach if Mike Tice’s Super Bowl ticket scalping problem forces him to resign. Favre’s agent would not comment on that possibility specifically, only saying, “Brett has long respected and admired the Vikings franchise, and would be honored to be a part of it. However, it is obviously too early to speculate on such matters.”

Asked about Favre possibly retiring, former teammate Mark Chmura said:

"Brett's had a terrific career, but I think he is looking for a new chapter in his life. Brett has always said he wants to help me start up a high school cheerleading camp, so I look at this as a positive. I have wanted to do this for a very, very, long time."

Holy Crap, Heath Shuler is a Superdelegate!

Start jokes now:

• He'll fumble his vote at the convention
• He'll get benched for Gus Frerrote in the middle of the convention
• He'll get injured during one of the events (where he won't drink carbonated beverages)
• Somehow, he'll blame Norv if his candidate doesn't get the nomination

Discuss.

Superdelegates attract plenty of suitors

Hip Hop Dare

This week, the bad jersey site Straight Cash Homey featured the jersey of one Yinka Dare, the 1994 first round pick by the New Jersey Nets. As someone who has a tendency of making fun of draft busts, you might think that I would just chuckle at the poor soul who bought that jersey. In fact, I kinda wish I had one.

You see, Yinka Dare and I went to school together -- I graduated from The George Washington University in 1993 (wow, I feel old typing that). That year, led by SI's Freshman of the Year (in your face, Jason Kidd), GW not only made it into the tournament for the first time since the 50's, but actually made it to the sweet 16. Considering that the Colonials were coming off a 1-27 season when I got there, this was quite an amazing accomplishment. (This also reminds me that Dare was the inspiration for what has to be the world's worst sign: Every School Phears our Nigerian. Why ESPN didn't put us on TV, I'll never know) He left after his sophomore season for the NBA, where he went from program savior to laughingstock.

His rookie year, he played a grand total of 3 minutes, and I am proud to say that I witnessed those three minutes. It was the fifth game of the season, and it marked Yinka's return to Washington as an NBA player. We went out to the old Cap Centre to watch the Bullets (starting five of Googs, Cheaney, Duckworth, Skiles, and Chapman) take on Butch Beard's Nets. The Bullets built up a sizable lead, and yet Yinka sat on the bench. We yelled and cheered for the Nets to put Yinka in, and finally, with the game fully in garbage time, they did.

It was quite the confusing, conflicting moment. We were bitter that he had come out early and abandoned our team, but he was still our Yinka. We booed him when he got on the court, and demanded that they feed him the ball (there weren't a whole lot of people at the game to begin with, so by this point, everyone could hear us), and cheered when they did. He immediately threw up an air ball. We taunted him. The next time down the court, the ball just bounced off his hands and out of bounds. We roared. At the end of the game, his stat sheet read: 3 minutes, 0-1 shooting, 1 TO, 1 rebound, 2 PF. He didn't play again that year, and I didn't realize until I looked it up just now that I had witnessed the entirety of his rookie year's playing time.

As the years went on, I just felt sorry for him. He lost a lot of his money in a real estate scam/deal, he had an epic quest for an assist, his teammates teased him, after he was cut by the Orlando Magic he tried to sneak into the team picture, and he died in 2004 of a heart attack while making breakfast. He holds a special place in my sporting heart -- after all, he was the center (no pun intended) of GW's best basketball team ever and the only Colonial ever drafted in the NBA.

So here's to you Yinka Dare. Don't let the bastards get you down (posthumously).

I leave you with this awesome video that most of you will never be able to get through. It features an interview with Yinka by a student looking to be a journalist, Sonni Holland's flat top, and "Hip Hop Hooray" -- the '93 Colonials theme song. So Hip Hop Dare...

Phun with Phil

As a former golf industry drone, no PGA Tour player annoys me more than FIGJAM himself, Phil Mickelson. When I was lucky enough to play at The Bridges a couple of years ago, I was tempted to pee in his locker. When I passed by him walking down a narrow hallway in the Augusta National clubhouse, I was tempted to trip him. Anyway, the folks at Food Court Lunch have a story that demonstrates (and expands upon) Phil's fakeness (or is it phakeness?) that is well known on tour:

Link: foodcourtlunch.com » Phil-anthropic!

Your source for pictures of Norv Turner in a goofy shirt

Hey -- did you know that Norv Turner coached the AFC in the Pro Bowl Yesterday? Did you even know that the Pro Bowl was yesterday? Did you secretly hope, like I did, that Chris Samuels would "accidentally" let the guy he was supposed to block sack Tony Romo over and over again? Did you also notice that Norv seems to be getting a bit of a gut?  Anyway, these pictures all managed to crack me up, so enjoy them all after the break:

Our Long National Nightmare is Over

"Really? They hired Jim Zorn?"

It lasted an interminable 32 days and included at least 11 candidates (remember Jim Schwartz?), but it is finally over. Along the way, we had the Woodward & Bernstein-like reporting of Jason La Canfora on Post's Redskins Insider blog, who constantly dug up new candidates first (like Mariucci) and was the first person that I saw to bring up the idea that Zorn could be the choice. To be honest, it got to the point that I dreaded hitting the "refresh" button on that page.

So, the Redskins ended up with Jim Zorn. Is that good or bad? I have no idea. There are two schools of thought on this -- the first, put forth by Wilbon, is that having the Redskins not make the big-name or flashy choice is a sign of progress; the second, championed by Mike Wise, is that Zorn is a hire out of desperation.

At the moment, I am leaning towards Wilbon's opinion. Every year, the Redskins try to win "The Super Bowl of the Offseason" as Tony & Mike would jokingly call it, and it never seemed to work out. No one can accuse the Redskins of that this year -- they have been more like Miami Dolphins of the offseason before hiring Zorn -- and maybe that is a good thing. Many people have pointed out that Joe Gibbs rose from obscurity when Jack Kent Cooke hired him back in the day -- maybe he's the next Joe Gibbs.

Then again, they are hiring a guy who has never even been a coordinator in the NFL, and a guy the Seahawks passed over as the replacement for Holmgren for a guy who had only been on staff a year.
It's not like the Redskins have never hired an offensive guru known for working with quarterbacks -- maybe instead of the next Joe Gibbs, we're getting the next... Norv Turner.

*Shudder*

Only time will tell...