How is Norv Turner killing you, exactly?

Bill Simmons, "The Sports Guy" on ESPN.com has coined a lot phrases, like "The Ewing Theory" or "The Stomach Punch Game." One of those phrases is "The Norv Turner Theory," which states that NFL owners should watch their coaches play blackjack before hiring them. You see, one of his friends played blackjack with Norv, and it is an eerie parallel to his coaching career:

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Setting: Las Vegas

We're eating breakfast (Bish, Hopper, Mike and myself) as Hopper recounts his blackjack experience with Norv Turner -- or as he likes to call it, "My Brush With Non-Greatness":

"Norv was up about two grand," Hopper explains. "Suddenly he scaled down his bets from $100 to $25 and started playing conservatively, like he had taken a pill that turned him into a giant wuss. I couldn't believe it. He stayed on '16' against a (dealer's) face card three times in a 10-minute span. All three times, he screwed me, and I ended up with his crappy card. All three times, the dealer ended up crushing us. And Norv's just sitting there with this dumb smile on his face, counting his hundred-dollar chips. Meanwhile, I'm losing a hundred a hand.

"So after the third time it happened, I leaned back, looked at the ceiling and muttered, 'The coach ... is ... KILLING me ...' Just like that. The coach ... is ... KILLING me. Up until that point, he didn't know that I knew who he was. He stayed for two more hands and bolted. I drove him away."

The mental image of a failed football coach mangling a blackjack table and driving Hopper insane was just too good ... for the next 15 minutes, we couldn't stop talking about it. How could a man get hired to coach an NFL team when he can't even play blackjack? We were flabbergasted by this. For instance, would someone like Mike Shanahan ever stay on "16" when the dealer had a "10" showing? I mean, EVER? Of course not.

"Norv seemed like a nice enough guy," Hopper said, "but there wasn't anything 'coach-like' about him. Can you imagine someone like Parcells just sitting there and taking it while I bitched about him at a blackjack table, right in his face?"

"How many teams has Norv coached?" Mike asked.

"He was an assistant in Dallas and the head coach in Washington," I answered. "In both places, he lost respect of the players pretty quickly."

"I can see why," Hopper sneered.

We started talking about something else. About 10 minutes later, Hopper started shaking his head again. He couldn't stop thinking about Norv.

"If I owned an NFL team," Hopper said, "before I hired a coach, I'd take him to Vegas for a weekend and play blackjack with him. That would tell me everything I needed to know about the guy. Everything."

Comments

[PhD]

Technically, you SHOULD stay on 16 against a dealer 10 if your 16 is composed of 3 or more cards. The difference is negligible (one win in about 2800 hands). We don't know how many cards Norv had in the above story, so we can't say for sure whether Norv was wrong. But I've been called on it in Vegas, and I have no problem pointing out to someone critical of my decision that I did make the right play. So Norv was either wrong or weak. Not good for a football coach.

[hopper]

billy sent me this link. i am honored. anyway, he wrote the condensed version of the story. the actual event was long an excruciating. his version really only covered the last shoe before norv left in shame. it really went on for more than an hour and he repeatedly stayed on two-card 16s against dealer tens. the whole table had been winning for over an hour, we were all up a few grand, and he had been playing 'right.' suddenly, inexplicably, he got sphincter pucker. anyway, i have no problem with someone at a BJ table who is consistent and stays on 3+ card 16s. i'll probably move to another table, but i won't ream the guy. there are various books on multiple card strategies, depending on the house rules and number of decks, so that's fine. but if you stay on a two-card 16 vs. dealer ten you are a moron. go home and throw your money in the toilet and play the state lottery. good luck SD...

[la]

This is pretty stupid. I've been disappointed with Norv at times too this year, but you're really just fishing for this stuff. Who cares how he plays blackjack?

[JC]

Who knows, maybe he spends most of his time thinking about football instead of being a degenerate loser gambler. Just a thought...

[HP]

It's GAMBLING!!! The House always wins in the long run so criticizing someone who makes a play that marginally increases their losses in the long run is somewhere between moronic and delusional. If you enjoy gambling, great, but don't forget the fact that it's gambling so there is no winning strategy...there are only better losing strategies. Norv was up so perhaps he went with his "gut" instinct with his 2-card 16's (since it's gambling). So we can conclude his "gut" is conservative. Okay, I guess that it would be better to hire a coach whose "gut" tells him to sit LT and throw the ball with a three touchdown lead. In short, the basis of this story is just more whining by losers who think that the guy down the table who's winning should keep them in mind when making calls at the Blackjack table...perhaps they should play the slots.

[ES]

I see by the dates that nobody was sticking up for Norv until the Chargers started winning. Chargers' fans have been conditioned to accept mediocrity. They were ok with a coach who could not win in the playoffs (Redskins connection 2000.) Now people are jumping up and down about a team that will make the playoffs DESPITE Turner's ineptness. This is Turner's 10th season as a head coach. He now has 2 winning seasons to his credit. Norv's record in the playoffs is 1-1. He's a proven loser. The Spanos era is full of retreads at GM and head coach. The only head coach to take the Chargers to a Super Bowl was allowed to be run out by a GM with a big ego(another Redskins connection.) With the Chargers' roster, and the lackluster AFC West a monkey could have coached them to the playoffs this year. By the end of Turner's time in SD, he will be hated. He's not a leader, he's a position coach or coordinator at best.

[D]

hey ES 1.The chargers would march all over every team in the NFC east
2.Norv Turner took over a awful team in D.C. that had no players and was terribley managed by gibbs which is the reason he decided to turn his attention to nascar.
3. and when norv turner turned the redskins into contenders he lost due to a bad snap and the next year the team was torn apart by Dan Snyder (Deion Sanders, Jeff George)
4. and theres no hope in Oakland until Al Davis calls it quits (when he kicks the bucket)
5.and when will you admit your wrong Norv Turner turned Philip Rivers into a NFL Qb by the end of this year and gave the chargers another dimension which is why they were able to win today with LT out of the game in the 2nd quarter