You're going to see a shift away from the previous All Norv All the Time format on this site, but first, here is another excellent song from the incomparable BradyFan83. Apropos of nothing, I know the marketing guys at VIZIO, and they have to be pleased as punch that the average football fan already associates LT with their product -- they spent their media well, it looks like.
Well, I decided to oppose Heath Shuler's Congressional campaign last year, and he ended up with an improbable win. This year, I figured it was a safe bet to make fun of Norv Turner, and the Chargers end up in the AFC Championship game. I obviously have the Midas touch -- whatever I make fun of turns to gold. Perhaps my next move will be to auction my ridicule services off to the highest bidder...
Since the best football coach in the history of mankind retired today, I have decided to do the same thing.
We all had a great run for a little while here on the site -- the fans were chanting for Marty, the Norv Face was in full bloom, and we even discussed replacements. As an added bonus, I got to use my History degree for something other than cocktail party trivia.
In a round about way, it was Joe Gibbs that created this site. He built the standard that Norv Turner was unable to live up to, and caused all that angst in the 90s for me (well, maybe all the flannel and grunge helped on that front as well). Having Norv show up again in my back yard seemed like a good opportunity to talk about it again. But I think I've accomplished what I came accomplish, and I don't think I can spend the rest of my life looking for unflattering photos of Norv Turner.
I also learned a valuable lesson: expectations are different here. This wasn't Norv coming in and expected to be the next Joe Gibbs and win Super Bowls, he was just expected to NOT be the new Marty Schottenheimer -- and win at least one freaking playoff game.
Of course, if you think about it, the Chargers are no better off than last year, even with a playoff win. Their worse record this year required them to play a game before advancing to the same divisional round they started in last year. If they lose to the Colts, how can it be considered a more successful season to have fewer total wins and progress no further in the playoffs? I'll tell ya -- when you haven't won a playoff game in 13 years, that's how.
The gift that Norv had brought to the Chargers is having them lose enough games during the regular season to get a positive match up in the first round of the playoffs, win that game, and declare victory. No one expects them to beat the Colts, and there will be no shame in losing in Indy. But due to Norvitude earlier in the year, he gets to put up the "Mission Accomplished" banner and move on to next year.
This has been quite a football season for me, full of emotion, excitement, sadness and silliness. I'd like to thank Joe Gibbs and Norv Turner for the season they gave me. And with that, I'm going to spend some time with my family and find a new venture. But I will leave with two thoughts:
Thanks, everybody, it's been real...
Link: Chargers.com - News » Headlines » Turner is playoff-tested.
Jimminy Christmas. A 1-1 record is "playoff-tested?" And the reason they hadn't been in the playoffs since 1992 was because of Norv! Gah!
Hola, amigos. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've been basking in the unexpected glow of the Redskins playoff run.
Meanwhile, back here in San Diego, the Chargers won the division and the city is going wild -- no wait, it's not:
The San Diego Chargers face a local TV blackout for Sunday's playoff game unless the home team sells its remaining 350 tickets by 1:30 p.m. today – a task made tricky by a winter storm predicted for game time and the thousands of tickets for resale on the Internet.
A winter storm, you say? Apparently, the idea of the temperature plunging to a mere 56° and water falling in drops from vapor condensed in the atmosphere has the die-hard Chargers faithful very concerned:
"I've been to playoff games in the rain twice," said Manny Rose II of North Park, who was selling three tickets online on Craigslist. "I would probably prefer to sit in front of the TV. I know that's sad since I'm a die-hard fan, but I see no shame with watching the game on TV."
As I laughed heartily at the pussitude of Chargers fans, it struck me that I have been living in San Diego for almost 6 years now, and I don't think I actually know any of them. The last place I worked, we had the whole NFC East and North represented -- OK, no Lions fans, but no Chargers fans either. Part of this has to do with the fact that we've always hung out with a military crowd of people who transfer from somewhere else (including Art Rooney's grandson), but it also has to do with the fact that there just don't seem to be a lot of them out there. There have to be some Chargers fans -- I mean, I see stickers on cars, I saw that rather inexplicable sign pictured at the top on a building by the Sports Arena, and came across this shirt in Target:
So, maybe as long as Norv keeps getting along with the management, he will stick around. I mean, if the fans don't want to watch a playoff game in the rain, will they really care that their coach stinks?
[By the way, there will be no blackout, but individual tickets are still available...]
According to the Union-Tribune, Norv is coming back next year, no matter what:
Even if the Chargers were to lose their final four games and not make the playoffs – a likelihood that seems increasingly remote after yesterday's 24-10 victory over the Chiefs increased their AFC West lead to two games – Turner will not be fired.
“He's going to be here no matter what,” a high-ranking club official with knowledge of team President Dean Spanos' thinking said yesterday. “He was always going to be here no matter what.”
Sure, it came from "a high-ranking official" (*cough* Dean Spanos *cough* -- who else has knowledge of what he thinks?) and not a press release, but this isn't Chris Mortensen telling us Vick won't be indicted or anything -- it's probably true.
So, San Diego, get ready for another season (at least) of mediocrity and baffling losses, surprising wins and frustrating play calling. And get used to more of this:
Norv Turner has seemed to move from one undeserved job to the other without anyone noticing the inherent truth that is his lack of head coaching ability. Of course, this type of situation is not uncommon throughout the course of human events -- we have previously examined Michael Scott and General George B. McClellan as examples of Norvs throughout history (or fiction, in Michael Scott's case).
Today we examine the case of the 29th President of the United States, Warren G. Harding.
I'll admit that I've never really thought much about President Harding. There is no "Harding Doctrine," no bridges or airports named after him, and his multiple extra-marital affairs went completely unreported. I lived in Washington, DC for 12 years -- and I've never seen a Harding Memorial. It turns out that the reason for all this anonymity is because he is widely regarded as one the worst Presidents in American history.
Now, being one of the worst Presidents in History is still a pretty good deal -- much like being one of the worst head coaches in the NFL. It is the pinnacle of your profession, and not many people get the opportunity. But why do unqualified or incompetent people get either job?
Malcolm Gladwell, author of The Tipping Point, wrote a book called Blink, about the power of the subconscious to take small slices of information and reach correct conclusions quickly. He spends an entire chapter talking about how making snap judgments can be wrong -- a chapter called "The Warren Harding Error." According to Gladwell (and Harding's Wikipedia entry), Harding rose to become President not through talent, smarts, or skills, but due to the fact that he just looked like a President. He was tall, dark, and handsome (I'll have to take the people of the early 20th century's word for it, judging by the photo above), and an excellent public speaker. Behind that look, he was what every citizen fears -- an empty suit.
Now, where does this relate to Norv? Well, a consistent theme that you will hear from journalists, players, and executives who have worked with Norv is that he is a super nice guy. Just a joy to be with. Just like Warren Harding, he seems like he should be a good coach -- I mean, just sit and talk to him for a while! With a couple of years of riding on Troy Aikman & Jimmy Johnson's coattails on his resume, he even seems to have the right skills. This is why people make excuses for him -- the Redskins weren't any good when he got there, he had to deal with Al Davis in Oakland, didn't he coach Troy Aikman? -- and he keeps getting jobs.
Some day in the NFL there will be "The Norv Turner Error," used to describe head coaches that get hired just because they should be a good coach (and of course, aren't). And with Joe GIbbs pulling a Chris Webber at the end of games, I'm pretty worried that the Redskins will make the Norv Turner Error next time. Let's just hope it isn't the literal Norv Turner Error that the Chargers have to endure every week...
The author, freezing his butt off in December of 1995 during a brief trip to Cleveland.
One of the side effects of doing this site (besides the itching and burning) is that I find myself rooting against the Chargers on Sundays -- the worse the Chargers do, the more profound of a prognosticator I appear to be. Besides, it is in the best interests of the franchise to have the Chargers lose a lot this year, so they can get Norv out of their system and get a high draft pick for the new coach. The last thing they need is to sneak into the playoffs and start to convince themselves that Norv just needs another year to turn it around.
That being said, I couldn't make myself root for the Ravens today. Even though I am a fan of almost all things Baltimore, I've never liked this team. I don't like the way they stole it from Cleveland (see picture above), I don't like Brian Billick's uber-smugness, I don't like Ray Lewis's goofy dance or the way he gets involved in murders. I especially don't like the fact that Ravens fans really, really hate the Redskins.
I don't really understand why they harbor such animosity. After all, the folks in DC embraced the Orioles for 40 years, and while Jack Kent Cooke (much like Peter Angelos) was never thrilled about the idea of a another franchise moving in so close, I can tell you that Redskins fans wanted Baltimore to get a team. I remember nodding my head along with Tony Kornheiser (back when he actually wrote newspaper columns) when he decried the fact that Jacksonville and their Waffle Houses were awarded an expansion franchise instead of Charm City. But as soon as the Ravens showed up, the folks inside the other Beltway brought their Redskins hate out into the open.
So, I love the Orioles, steamed crabs, the inner harbor, Homicide: Life on the Street (never started watching The Wire, although I know I should), the Block, Fells Point, saying "hon" and "going down the ocean," but I don't like the Ravens. So I don't care that the win probably made it more likely that there will be another year of Norv Turner -- well done, Chargers.
The mainstream media picks up on one of my theories (although, I think the 49ers would be bad this year without Norv, to be honest):
Let's turn our our Wayback Machine to 1993. In Washington, they were preparing for a transition between a Bush Administration and a new Clinton administration, while Joe Gibbs was coming off a disappointing season. Meanwhile, in Dallas, the Cowboys had a crazy owner and a silver-haired head coach, and their offense was tearing up the NFC with their swashbuckling quarterback and an obnoxious wide receiver no one liked. Finally, the architect of that offense became the new hot head coach candidate. In 1993, that hot property was our friend Norv Turner, and today it is Jason Garrett.
Jason Garrett is not likely to replace Joe Gibbs, like Norv did (yes, I know he technically replaced Richie Petitbon) -- most assume that Danny will go for Bill Cowher when that time comes. Instead, the new Norv Turner could replace the old Norv Turner in San Diego. I didn't mention him in my list of potential replacements earlier this week, but it would be ironic (don't you think?). Who knows, in a few years, we may be talking about the "Garrett Face."
Lights Out Knocked Out
Merriman explains why he knocked down by a little guy and the team isn't in turmoil. [ESPN]
Your Grandma Agrees With Me
Touching story about a guy who watched Redskins games with his late Grandmother. Not surprisingly, Nana hated Norv Turner. [Washington City Paper]
Problem Solved
Great exchange on the Chargers message board: "I think I have figured out why Norv's offense does not do well when he's a head coach. As a coordinator, he sits up high in a booth and see the whole field." "Agreed -- Norv should be sitting in the stands." [SignOnSanDiego.com Forums]
Why Your Hometown Columnist Sucks
I don't understand Nick Canepa's column in today's U-T at all. I think he used a thousand words to say that "if Norv Turner is a bad coach, it's not because he doesn't yell and scream." Then why is he a bad coach, then? I mean, somebody has to have the answer... [San Diego Union-Tribune]
It's that time of year -- no, not when all the Christmas commercials start running, but the time to start look at who will replace Norv Turner when he gets fired at the end of the season. Even if, for some reason (my bet is compromising pictures of Dean Spanos with a dead hooker) he hangs on long enough to get fired after next season, it still makes sense to go through the list.
Terry Robiskie
Terry, of course, replaced Norv in Washington when Turner got fired halfway through the 2000 season. I always felt bad for Robiskie because his first head coaching job was doomed -- the team was in a tailspin, and it was obvious that he wasn't going to get the job permanently. Of course, he is currently an assistant coach for the Dolphins, so I really feel sorry for him now. Pity is an underrated part of the hiring process. [Update -- I totally forgot that he also was the interim head coach of the Browns when Butch Davis left during the 2004 season. I guess he'll be the one to finish out Cam Cameron's season at some point in the next few years. Somebody really needs to give this guy a real shot at a head coaching job.]
Art Shell
Hey, if you're going to hire one coach fired by the Raiders, why not hire another?
Marty Schottenheimer
This is the name on most fans lips, as "Norv Ball" is making people people wistful for "Marty Ball" (see Fanhouse's Coach Killers for more on the subject). However, I have to think that Marty would tell AJ to take his contract offer, roll it tight, and shove it up his, well, you get the picture. On a totally unrelated note, Eminem once used the line "cursing at you players worse than Marty Schottenheimer" in I Just Don't Give a, well, you get the picture. I only mention this because it is my second-favorite football/gangsta rap rhyme, next to Ice Cube's "I'm the one with the fat mad skills/and I won't choke like the Buffalo Bills."
Dave Wannstedt
Wanny is the mirror-image of Norv. He was the Cowboys defensive coordinator during the glory days, and like Norv, has ridden that wave into job after job. He actually has a better NFL coaching record and more playoff appearances than Norv, but is barely hanging on as coach of Pitt -- so he might be available. I could then keep this same website and just turn it over to Bears & Dolphins fans to write.
Pete Carroll/Bill Cowher
The big names that the media likes to throw around. The good news for them is that they won't be taking over a 14-2 team, they will be taking over a disappointing team that they will need to "turn around." Norv Turner -- lowering fans' expectations for 13 years.
Tony Gwynn
Speaking as an Orioles fan, I totally understand San Diego's love of Fat Tony. He's the west coast Cal Ripken, and can do no wrong in this town. Perhaps only he can save the Chargers -- they could hire some good coordinators and put Tony in charge of the motivating speeches and the post-game buffet table. I think this could work, and it gets my vote.
--
Norv Face of the Week
I took the picture at the top off my TV, but here is the official, Getty Images version of the Norv face for this week:
Update -- as commenter Rex points out below, the U-T has another good one. It looks like it was taken just before or just after the one above:
There is an interesting article on Yahoo! Sports by Michael Silver that provides a look int the Chargers' locker room and even anonymously quotes players bagging on Norv. It is such a brutal article that Chargers fans feel that Silver has a bias against the Chargers and it just making this stuff up, and he got dressed down by the local sports radio guys.
That being said, given the fact that his story fits my theory about Norv, I'm going to choose to believe every word. Here are some choice excerpts:
"[After beating the Colts} San Diego's players reacted like a bunch of biologists who had just received an award for proving that humans need air to survive"
"Then, as few others can, Chargers coach Norv Turner sucked the remaining air out of the locker room"
"The players don't respond to his leadership or motivational tactics, if you can call them that. They view his sideline demeanor as frazzled and indecisive. And, perhaps worst of all, they're not embracing the strategic vision put forth on offense (by Turner, regarded as one of the NFL's best play-callers) or defense (by coordinator Ted Cottrell)."
"Turner didn't help himself Sunday by coaching passively with a lead and by mismanaging his replay challenges in a potentially ruinous way."
"In the locker room after the game, two Chargers stood near the door to the training room discussing Turner's poor handling of the challenges. Another wondered how quarterback Philip Rivers ... seems to be regressing under the coaching regime of a man renowned for his ability to nurture young passers."
Yes, that's the sound of Norv Turner Fever -- Catch it!
By the way, if you want to enjoy some general hostility and angst, head on over to the Union-Tribune's Chargers forum -- amidst all the predictable "Fire Norv" threads, there are also some "start Billy Volek" ones as well. Yes, Billy Volek.
[Empty Message -- Yahoo! Sports]
[Chargers - SignOnSanDiego Forums]
This morning at church, I was minding my own business when suddenly my spiritual life and blog life collided (there were no injuries). In the middle of the sermon, while discussing stewardship, helping others, and staying strong, the priest said:
"Every language has a saying for it -- losing heart. It's when a boxer drops his head -- you know it's over. It's like the Chargers -- you know it's over."
This got a good laugh, and I probably missed the greater point (which had something to do with Jesus and our salvation, or maybe how they needed more money to pay for the landscaping), but it is true -- every Norv team at some point gives up. And while the Chargers pulled off what Al Michaels called "the greatest escape since Charles Bronson" tonight, there is no question that the Chargers' offense has dropped its pack, as my Marine friends would say (oh, by the way -- Happy Birthday).
On a night Peyton Manning got confused by the MC Escher paintings in his mind and started throwing to the pretty powder blue uniforms, the Chargers still almost grasped defeat from the jaws of victory. The offense managed only 177 total yards, and Philip Rivers (who was "horrible," according to the Associated Press) ended up with a 30.6 passer rating for the game. The stats, however, aren't as important as the body language -- LaDanian Tomlinson looked outright hostile after the game, both as he exchanged words with Norv and complained in the post-game interview about how "we got away from what we were doing in the first half." Meanwhile, Philip Rivers seems to be regressing, and may possibly be a douchebag. This is the essence of Norv Ball -- even when you win, you feel like you lost.
This of course, is still better than actually losing, which the Redskins did in excruciating fashion to the Eagles earlier in the afternoon. Which just goes to show that it isn't always Norv's fault -- a team can break your heart even with a Hall of Fame coach at the helm.
The conventional wisdom is that Norv Turner is an excellent offensive coordinator (even sometimes declared to be an "offensive genius") but maybe not a great head coach. These Conventional Wisdom people are much nicer than me of course -- I definitively say that he is a terrible head coach.
So, it is worth taking a look up the coast to where Norv was recently the Offensive Coordinator, the San Francisco 49ers. I've seen activity on 49ers blogs and forums that suggest that they actually miss Norv, and think that he ruined two franchises by taking the Chargers job. They lament the sad state of their offense and wonder if he will maybe come back to SF after he (inevitably) gets fired.
And it isn't just the fans -- it's the players too. Read what Frank Gore said a few weeks ago:
"We're not trusting each other. We're not trusting the coordinator. ... I just know that when we had Norv Turner, he had been doing it for a while. Whenever he said something, we wanted to do it. And now I feel that a lot of people, when coach Hoss or somebody calls something, it gets in the back of their heads, 'Is he calling the right play?'"
This, in a nutshell, is the Norv Turner Conundrum™, and why he keeps getting new head coaching jobs. His players love him. Anything positive about the offense sticks to him, and everything negative is quickly forgotten. I don't mean to make the 49ers fans feel bad, since as a Redskins fan I also follow a historically great team that has fallen on hard times, but this is a desperate move on your part. Maybe I'm wrong here, but perhaps having Alex Smith and Frank Gore injured has something to do with the offense's problems. I mean, I didn't even know Trent Dilfer was still in the league (by the way, an excellent point-by-point dismissal of the "Norv is an offensive genius" was written back in February).
But, what is past is prologue. After Norv gets fired by the Chargers, he will probably sit out a year (he'll get enough money in the contract buy-out to let him fish with Jimmy Johnson for a while) and some team will hire him as offensive coordinator. And that team will improve just enough to provide additional credit to the "Norv is an offensive genius" story. Then, another NFL head coaching job will open up, and...
... just pray it isn't your team.
So let's say you're Norv Turner (first of all, we're sorry to do that to you). It's halftime, and even though the offense (your department) hasn't been very good, you're still beating the semi-pathetic Vikings and have just completed the longest play in NFL history. Better still, Tavaris Jackson is injured and has been replaced by Brooks Bollinger. How good is Brooks Bollinger? Let's put it this way -- he backs-up Tavaris Jackson. So, all you have to do is two things and the win is in the bag:
A) Key on the run and make Brooks Bollinger beat you
B) Have some minimal amount of production on offense
Piece of cake, right? Not for our friend Norv. Adrian Peterson -- I'm sorry, I mean Purple Jesus -- ran for 253 yards and 2 TDs in the second half and the Vikings bitchslapped the Chargers 35-17.
Norv watches Peterson run like, well, LT used to...
Let's compare:
San Diego Chargers total yards: 229
Adrian Peterson total yards: 315
San Diego Chargers offensive touchdowns: 1
Adrian Peterson touchdowns: 3
Chargers record at the halfway point last year: 6-2
Chargers record at the halfway point under Turner: 4-4
The good news is that next week they get to play the Colts, who are reeling, in the middle of a one-game losing streak, and have nothing to prove. Yikes.
One last photo -- a cheesy cameraphone picture of a TV image, but it seems to sum things up so well:
I had planned to post something on Sunday using the above picture to illustrate why Norv could survive in San Diego for years to come -- it's beautiful here. I mean, who can live here and really get upset about the Chargers? Sure, they went 14-2 last year, but if they don't win the Super Bowl, it will still be 70 degrees and sunny in San Diego on the day the big game is held, and people will move on. It's not like some grimy, cold, east coast or midwestern city where you're living a miserable existence in the winter and the football team is your only potential ray of hope (this is coming from someone who spent most of his life in grimy, cold east coast cities). So who really cares if Norv screws up? It's not like he's going to go 4-12 with this squad -- he can keep things going enough to provide an adequately fun experience 8-9 Sundays a year at Qualcomm Stadium...
...when it's not being used as and evacuation shelter.
I never got around to posting this serene snapshot of paradise, because I had to evacuate my house to avoid catching on fire. So, I'm refocusing the statement to say that no one cares if Norv screws up the Chargers, because we might all be consumed in a wall of flames. Carry on, Norv.
A quick update -- the Chargers had a bye week, the Redskins almost lost in excruciating fashion, and my house may burn down. Okay, that's a little dramatic (and not completely true), but due the fires spreading throughout San Diego County, I would expect that my current minimal rate of posting will continue through this week. The picture above is of the Witch Fire which is burning to the north of my house. We are evacuating to some place safer, and so you'll have to make fun of Norv on your own.
As I've mentioned before, this site is meant as a long-term warning -- the Chargers are still going to win games this year. I'm not going to worry about being proved wrong until January, really...
Anyway, this week's work for this site was actually done by the fine folks at Kissing Suzy Kolber & FireNorv.net:
[Note -- as I mentioned last week, I had this all ready to go for when the Chargers beat the Chiefs. Except, of course, they didn't beat the Chiefs. Even Norv couldn't keep this team down forever, so now I get to use it.]
Certainly, on this site, I bemoan the effect that Norv has had on the Chargers --mostly because I live in San Diego, and I hate to see the nice people here heartbroken. Still, my heart remains with the Redskins, and with the Chargers beating the Chiefs Broncos, I can talk about the great "what might have been" of the season -- what if the Cowboys had hired Norv Turner?
Back in January and February, us Redskins fans were giddy -- not because of anything the Redskins did (they blew last year), but because of the possibility of Norv returning to Dallas. It seemed like everything was falling into place -- after all, Dallas is the one city in the country where Norv is remembered fondly. Perhaps they would ignore the last 15 years of history and hire the guy that they remembered from 1993. In the end, even Jerry Jones isn't that crazy -- he hired the guy that had a winning record as a head coach. What a novel concept.
This remains one of those great what ifs of history, along with "What would our mobilization in Vietnam had become if Kennedy hadn't been assassinated?" and "What if Jeffrey Maier had gone to school that day?" Instead, I have to watch the Cowboys tear up the league and deal with Norv in my back yard.
Oh, and apropos of nothing, Mike Sellers is a one man wrecking crew...
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUVJrLrLHPg]
[Thanks to Mr Irrelevant and Awful Announcing for the video...]
UPDATE: The NFL obviously had it taken down, but you'll have to take my word for it ...
Ok, maybe this site is transitioning into full dork-dom by comparing an NFL coach with a Civil War general, but work with me on this.
Special thanks to Wikipedia for refreshing my memory -- it's been years since I've read my Shelby Foote...
The most popular search term for this site last week was, by far, "the coach is killing me." The reason for this was a mention in Bill Simmons' column last Friday that didn't actually include a link to the site. He told me he was going to link to it, but I'm going to assume that his editors ran 1000 volts of electricity through his body and decided it was a better idea to link the phrase "a Norv related blog called 'The Coach is Killing Me" to an old column instead. So much for the concept of semantic markup and hypertext -- screw you, Tim Berners-Lee!
In other bitching, we have dropped to page 3 when you search for Norv Turner. Google is a fickle beast -- we were the first listing on page two earlier in the week, on the cusp of rising to the first set of listings. The good news is that FireNorv.net is now at #6 -- that's what I get for naming this site for an obscure story instead of something with "Norv" in the title.
Favorite search of the week: "Why does Norv Turner not get fired."
In other news, based on last week's discussion, I'm thinking we need to do a Google bomb -- it could be as simple as having the #1 result for "worst coach in the NFL" be Norv's official bio. However, it seems we could be more creative than that -- any ideas?
The original concept behind this website was that is was meant to serve as a warning -- a lone voice in the wilderness letting Chargers fans know that, eventually, Norv Turner would break their hearts. I figured that the Chargers would probably still make the playoffs this year, and maybe collapse at some point in the second half of next year. But I would look prophetic when that time came -- and I would have had a year or so of historical analogies and random Redskins memories to show for it.
I didn't realize that I had been sucked up into the Norv Turner Hype Machine (which would be a terrible name for a band, by the way). I had at least somewhat bought into the whole "well, Norv has never had a good team to coach before" story, so I thought it would take him a year or two to destroy them. I didn't see the parallels to the 2000 Redskins, who were coming off a division title, a playoff win, and had signed a crop of free agents in expectation for a Super Bowl run. But after starting 6-2 , they went on an ugly 1-5 slide that ended with Norv getting shown the door (of course, it is one of his "winning seasons" in his Chargers bio). This time around, Norv isn't giving Chargers fans the common decency of the hot start -- he's skipping right to the collapse.
I actually had a post ready to go assuming that the Chargers would win -- I mean, how could they lose at home to the Chiefs and Herm "I don't even have the Internet" Edwards? At halftime, with the Chargers up 16-6, I put together the finishing touches, and scheduled the post to go live later in the evening. So, not only is Norv screwing up the Chargers franchise, but he is cutting into my free time as well.
So, instead being a lone voice in the wilderness, I actually was just the first of many who quickly came to the same conclusion -- like the thousands of people chanting "Mar-ty! Mar-ty!" at the game, or the folks at firenorv.net (firenorv.com was taken -- I looked at buying it in July). It also means that this site will have a shorter shelf life than I thought. So, thank you, Norval Eugene Turner -- the last person to make me feel this smart was Miss Teen South Carolina...
Today we begin a series looking at different Norvs Throughout History. In honor of the season premiere of The Office, we will first examine the Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton, Michael Scott.
A review of Michael Scott's track record will show that he is generally bad at his job, a poor manager of people, and actually de-motivates his employees. Yet he has remained in his job for going on four seasons now, and his branch always escapes being closed. The reason for all this is that people think he is a nice guy and/or feel sorry for him. Gee, that sounds kind of familiar, doesn't it?
Compare him to the former manager of the Stamford branch, Josh Porter, who is not only a better manager and a better motivator, but is also devious enough to work the business situation to his personal advantage. He's a hooded sweatshirt away from being Bill Belichick.
Of course, there are some differences. For example, Michael occasionally does something right -- like closing the Lackawanna County deal at Chili's or signing a big contract while on a sugar high during Pretzel Day. And in Norv's defense, he has never run over one of his players with his car. Still, Michael Scott and Norv Turner are shining examples of the Peter Principle -- people rising to the level of their incompetence.
Next week on Norvs Throughout History: General George B. McClellan.
Last week, I introduced you to a feature tentatively called "GNorv," where we check the temperature of Norv and the search engines. Well, I liked it so much, I half-assed a logo for it this week.
Consider yourself blessed.
Anyway, on to the GFun. There was no change on this site's rank for the term "Norv Turner" (still on the second page), however, we do come up first if you search for "I hate Norv Turner" or "Norv Turner can't coach", and third if you search for "Norv Turner needs to be fired."
Other fun searches this week:
That last one is my favorite. I can picture some new Chargers fan watching the game and thinking, "you know, I've heard people say that this new coach has coached in the NFL before, but I just can't imagine that it's true -- let's check The Google."
Look back next week to see if we can move up in the rankings -- a loss to Herm "I don't get the Internet" Edwards and the Chiefs may launch us to number 1...
After the Chargers disappointing loss in Green Bay, many outlets (including this one) chose to use this picture of Norv Turner, which seemed to sum up things nicely:
(See Deadspin, With Leather, & Chargers Gab for some examples)
The (sad) fact is, this is not the first time Norv has sported this particular look of despair on the sidelines:
I'll be honest -- I looked at this site as a long-term project. I figured the Chargers would hang in there pretty well most of this season, lose a game or two earlier than expected in the playoffs, and it would take a year or so for my warnings to seem prophetic. Well, now, with the Chargers having fewer rushing touchdowns than Notre Dame (2 vs. 1 -- really). here is a taste of some of the sentiment the fans are feeling here in America's Finest City:
Give it to Norv Turner to turn this team around. (Yeah, like Attila The Hun was a good neighbor.)Norv Turner & Ted Cottrell are killing this team. No, Imagination on either side of the ball. This makes Martyball look ,well how would you say it brilliant. Norv has taken the most talented team in the NFL, and made them just look like Chumps.
Norv took a Washington team with a 100 million $ roster and ran it into the ground. Just maybe thats why Snider canned him?
Here is a more specific breakdown of the coaching issues:
Chargers Ridiculously Predictable On First Down
[T]he problem does not lie in Tomlinson's abilities, but rather the culprit is an unimaginative offensive coordination on the part of the Chargers coaching staff.
I'm hoping that the anger and frustration people feel will distract everyone from the fact that the Redskins lost a heart breaker to the Giants (a 21-0 second half? Really?) But it is supposed to be 70 degrees again tomorrow...
Great picture, great commentary. From the Boston Herald.
I'm starting a new feature this week, tentatively called "GNorv," where we look at how Norv is doing from a search engine perspective. Currently, this site is #11 when you search for "Norv Turner" on Google. That's the second page, so there is more work to be done, but it is pretty good considering that the site is only 2 weeks old.
This week's most popular search terms for this site:
So, let's see if the site moves up next week, and if the search terms get more creative. My predictions for next week's list:
So, anything interesting happen with the Patriots this week? I haven't been paying attention...
I think the pasting that the Patriots put on the Chargers tonight brings to light the difference coaching makes. Do you think for a moment, Norv would think of cheating? Of course not -- he's far too nice a guy for that. But coaches like Belichick look for every single advantage they can possibly get -- up to and including breaking the rules. Matt Mosley at ESPN was reminded of George Allen, like I was, this week -- trying to spy on the opposition is a time-honored tradition by successful coaches. Instead, Norv took extra care to safeguard their secrets, and they got waxed. Good thing the Patriots didn't know that Norv diagramed an interception on the first play...
So, Chargers fans, welcome to Stage 1 of the Norv Turner Grief Cycle-- Denial. Over the next few weeks you will come up with all sorts of reasons why the Chargers aren't performing up to expectations (injuries, bad luck, etc.). I have found from personal experience that Norv Tuner Denial can last several seasons (It's a young team! They're rebuilding! Shuler will get better!), and you ultimately move on to a hybrid state where Anger, Bargaining, and Depression all mix together and kick you around each week. At some point, the front office gets to the Acceptance phase, and Norv will get fired, allowing everyone to move on and put the experience behind them.
Just pray that when it happens, that Steve Spurrier isn't available...
Today began week 1 in what is sure to be the brief Norv Turner era in San Diego. The Chargers beat the Bears 14-3, proving that, no matter what you say about Norv, his little brother Ron (the offensive coordinator for Chicago) is even worse.
That being said, there are two important things we learned in this first week:
1) Troy Aikman LOVES Norv Turner.
After listening to Troy broadcast the Chargers game this week, I get the impression that, if Norv Turner was Neville Chamberlain, Troy would have been right there to say, "You know what Joe -- Norv is the kind of guy who can really read the opposition. If he says Hilter will stop with the Sudetenland, I believe him. " That is your I-have-a-history-degree-and-I-need- to-use-it-occasionally moment of the day.
2) Norv is still weak.
When Norv was hired by the Chargers in February, the guys at Kissing Suzy Kolber did a great post about it called "I think I'll Have the Chicken," which starts with Norv not being able to get a waiter's attention, and ends with his wife leaving him for another man (hard to describe -- just read it). This bit immediately popped into my mind as Joe Buck described how the decision was made to hold LaDainian Tomlinson out of the pre-season. Apparently, Norv didn't necessarily like the idea of LT not playing, but he said "that is how it is done around here." Um, what? Who exactly runs the team? LT's agent? How in the world does a head coach with any cojones allow his best player to take the pre-season off if he doesn't agree with the idea? Considering Tomlinson had a total of 25 yards rushing today, maybe giving him some reps in the pre-season would have made some sense.
Oh, and to balance out the Aikman HoF picture at the top:
It is always an interesting exercise to read the official bios of public figures (ok, we need more hobbies). Each one tries to find the most creative way to play up the positive aspects of their career while avoiding the negative parts. So, reading over Norv's bio on the Chargers site was pretty much as I expected. Of course, there were several quotes from Troy Aikman (on a side note, I can watch the clip of Lavar Arrington ending Troy's career over and over again) talking about Norv walking on water, and even some discussion on how he nurtured Gus Frerotte & Brad Johnson to the Pro Bowl. All pretty much what I expected -- although it was surprising that mega draft bust Heath Shuler was not mentioned (ha!).
But then I looked at the paragraph about his coaching tenure at Washington. It read:
"He ended up spending seven years in Washington, leading the Redskins to four winning seasons"
Now, Norv's coaching career in DC happened during a time before I was married and both my roommates worked at a bar. But I'm pretty sure I would have been sober enough to remember four winning seasons in that time frame. So I did some research. Here is what I found at Pro Football Reference:
| Reg. Season | Playoffs |
+----------+--------------+----------+
| Year TM | W L T | W L |
+----------+--------------+----------+
| 1994 was | 3 13 0 | 0 0 |
| 1995 was | 6 10 0 | 0 0 |
| 1996 was | 9 7 0 | 0 0 |
| 1997 was | 8 7 1 | 0 0 |
| 1998 was | 6 10 0 | 0 0 |
| 1999 was | 10 6 0 | 1 1 |
| 2000 was | 7 6 0 | 0 0 |
Ok, I remember the 1996 "Maybe he's really turning things around" 9-7 year, and definitely the 1999 playoff year. Technically 8-7-1 is a winning record for the season, but is nothing to be proud of (by the way, the tie was a 7-7 game against the Giants at RFK that was probably the worst, most boring football game ever played). But where was that fourth winning season?
It appears that they counted Norv's 7-6 coaching record in 2000 as the fourth winning season. The biggest issue is, of course, that Norv was fired during that season, and the Redskins finished 8-8. This was the season where Dan Snyder brought in Bruce Smith, Deion Sanders, and *shudder* Jeff George, they started 6-2, went on a 1-4 slide, and Norv got booted out the door.
So, the more accurate way to describe it in Norv's bio would be: "He ended up spending seven years in Washington, and had four seasons with a winning coaching record" or: "He ended up spending seven years in Washington, leading the Redskins to three winning seasons" or, my personal favorite: "He ended up spending seven years in Washington, leaving them no closer to success then when he got there, leaving behind a legion of fans bitter, disappointed, and hostile."
So, we call you out, San Diego Chargers PR team. You will have plenty of opportunities to try to spin Norv's failures into gold, but you drifted into fiction on this one.
The Mighty MJD, former weekend editor of Deadspin and Chargers fan (and now working for the fine folks at the end of the Dulles tollway), wrote the Season Preview for the Chargers on Friday. This is how he began:
I hate looking at Norv Turner's face. I know it's not a particularly pleasurable experience for anyone, but for a Chargers fan ... it causes actual physical pain. My chest hurts when I look at his goddamn face.
Ah, now Chargers fans are starting to understand what the mid-to-late 90's were like in DC. He continues:
Norv's face should be the international symbol for "we are about to lose."
and
The Chargers won't go 14-2 again ... the schedule is a little tougher this year, and it looks like the secondary is still going to be a bit of a problem. Something in the 10-6 or 11-5 range is more likely, followed by a Norv-engineered early playoff collapse.
It is as though I wrote this preview. The MJD is, indeed, mighty.
One of Norv Turner's biggest blunders as coach of the Redskins was his insistence on drafting uber-bust Heath Shuler and then mismanaging the QB situation for the next three years. He would never really name a starter, and just yank Gus & Heath in and out, seemingly on a whim. Well, when Heath Shuler was running for Congress last year, I interviewed him for my last side project: Stop Shuler. He very strongly intimated that it was Norv's fault that he never lived up to expectations -- starting him too soon, yanking him too quick, and generally not knowing what he was doing. I tried to get Norv's side of the story, but the 49ers PR team deflected me.
Obviously, this time around, Norv isn't involved in picking his players (the Chargers already have a bunch of good ones), and it would be tough for him to manufacture a QB controversy (I just don't see the fans jumping on the Billy Volek bandwagon). I wonder what he will come up with...
Here's what Bill Simmons said about Norv Turner's hiring when asked about the Patriots' chances in a chat session:
"I was happy because SD has the most talent in the conference other than the Pats - basically, that advantage has now been negated by Norv Turner. It's like competing with one other guy for the hottest girl in high school, then learning that the other guy got VD in Aruba."
I could be wrong here, but having your new coach compared to an STD is not good for your Super Bowl hopes...
Bill Simmons, "The Sports Guy" on ESPN.com has coined a lot phrases, like "The Ewing Theory" or "The Stomach Punch Game." One of those phrases is "The Norv Turner Theory," which states that NFL owners should watch their coaches play blackjack before hiring them. You see, one of his friends played blackjack with Norv, and it is an eerie parallel to his coaching career:
---
Setting: Las Vegas
We're eating breakfast (Bish, Hopper, Mike and myself) as Hopper recounts his blackjack experience with Norv Turner -- or as he likes to call it, "My Brush With Non-Greatness":
"Norv was up about two grand," Hopper explains. "Suddenly he scaled down his bets from $100 to $25 and started playing conservatively, like he had taken a pill that turned him into a giant wuss. I couldn't believe it. He stayed on '16' against a (dealer's) face card three times in a 10-minute span. All three times, he screwed me, and I ended up with his crappy card. All three times, the dealer ended up crushing us. And Norv's just sitting there with this dumb smile on his face, counting his hundred-dollar chips. Meanwhile, I'm losing a hundred a hand.
"So after the third time it happened, I leaned back, looked at the ceiling and muttered, 'The coach ... is ... KILLING me ...' Just like that. The coach ... is ... KILLING me. Up until that point, he didn't know that I knew who he was. He stayed for two more hands and bolted. I drove him away."
The mental image of a failed football coach mangling a blackjack table and driving Hopper insane was just too good ... for the next 15 minutes, we couldn't stop talking about it. How could a man get hired to coach an NFL team when he can't even play blackjack? We were flabbergasted by this. For instance, would someone like Mike Shanahan ever stay on "16" when the dealer had a "10" showing? I mean, EVER? Of course not.
"Norv seemed like a nice enough guy," Hopper said, "but there wasn't anything 'coach-like' about him. Can you imagine someone like Parcells just sitting there and taking it while I bitched about him at a blackjack table, right in his face?"
"How many teams has Norv coached?" Mike asked.
"He was an assistant in Dallas and the head coach in Washington," I answered. "In both places, he lost respect of the players pretty quickly."
"I can see why," Hopper sneered.
We started talking about something else. About 10 minutes later, Hopper started shaking his head again. He couldn't stop thinking about Norv.
"If I owned an NFL team," Hopper said, "before I hired a coach, I'd take him to Vegas for a weekend and play blackjack with him. That would tell me everything I needed to know about the guy. Everything."
You can email me at thecoachiskillingme@gmail.com
